Well here I am. Meditation is not going so well so I will try journaling.
We are still trying to get the loose ends tied up.

Reg and Tommy are dead. I did my part. I used my sword to hold him down while Tony and Master Nakatomi exorcized JCIII. It is like a great weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

David seems coherent again since his breakdown. At least he had a worldview that allowed for shamanic madness. He now sees himself on that path since he has seen the Unknown and it has seen him. Learning about the Unknown is never fun but having a demon try to force itself into you before exploding is particularly traumatic.

I hope that Claire will improve. She is so fragile and has the Jasper and Amethyst to raise. I should keep closer to Audra and Phil if they want it. I do not want to be a bitter reminder to them.

He had been up at the family cabin eating people. There was a really horrible offal pit with hands and feet, bones and intestines and other not so tasty parts. He set up trees to smash all three cars. I am just glad that he did not kill any of us. He timed it so that Karen’s Sphere was down for a half second so he could crush Justin’s ankle.

I have known for a while that I have been hung up about romantic relationships. After the unbalanced nature of my marriage with Joen and then what happened with him I was pretty scarred. And scared of what could happen to any man I cared for. The situation with Reg had its moments of me feeling like a spiritual Typhoid Mary. The wendigo taking over me after I first kissed him, the soccer mom with a baseball bat directly after we had sex, Reg and Ramon disappearing(and the plane crash and the cannibalism and the deserted island) after we had sex. I should have not waited until almost midnight to have sex with him. But it was not my fault. It is not all about me and my romantic notions. I know it but it did not sink in until I saw Reg die. It was not my fault. I know he cared and cares about me. I know that God does love us and want us to be happy. I know that the war does not end but we can take some time to stay sane.

Maybe….. I should consider dating a non envoy. I mean Tony and David are cute enough but Tony is still a little weird about me. I am half afraid that he wants to marry me and have kids even knowing that I am barren. So I still think nothing physical/sexual to happen with him until and unless he gets over me. David finally realized that the Unknown is out there and it does not like us. So he is a possibility but I do not want to be pushy while he is in a delicate mental state. It would not do to harm a teammate even if it seemed like fun at the time. I had been mourning Reg since we found out about Tommy. I knew that one day he would escape and kill someone. And it was my responsibility because I saved his life after he slashed Weeping Sparrow.Now it feels like we both can rest as we should.

It has been a lonely time. Angie and Aiden are great friends but I have not wanted to impose on them. Karen and I seem to have some serious differences in perspective even though we get along. I want her and Justin to have more hope of a life and family than I have. The same feeling is part of my relationship with the rest of the team. Frank understands that we are in a fight to the death that we are not going to win or give up. But Frank does not have faith in a benevolent God. Reg and I got on very nicely but he was quite busy with his own projects and partners.

So I think I shall be open to dating capable non SAVE people. After I have a session with Frank I think. Heh…. At one point I thought about asking Frank out but Terry seemed interested and I am not going to fight over a man who does not want me. Now I am checking with him before going out with anyone. Well in any case I have an appointment with him today.

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